1. Must not taunt the Italians any more.

2. Must not tell anyone that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.

3. Don't rip people’s alarm clocks out of their walls when they go on holiday.

4. No matter how annoying they sound, or how early in the morning they activate.

5. Not allowed to chew gum during Mass, unless I brought enough for everyone.

6. Not allowed to chew gum during Mass even if I *did* bring enough for everyone.

7. The Ten Commandments do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.

8. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.

9. Not allowed to drink all the supplies of Reef.

10. Not even if Jamie told me to get rid of them “Any way possible”.

11. Not allowed to quote “Life of Brian” while watching ‘The Passion of the Christ’

12. Especially not in a large, echoey stadium, whilst sitting opposite Jim Caviezel.

13. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Tracey.

14. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.

15. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophecy” to the end of answers I give to a question anyone asks me.

16. Not allowed out of my room when the cardinal visited.

17. May not conduct psychological experiments on other members of the house.

18. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.

19. Crucifixes do not ward off protestants, and I should not test that.

20. I am not allowed to add the theory of evolution to Genesis.

21. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from “Wayne’s World” every time I hear the song "Bohemian Rhapsody".

22. Not even when everyone joined in at the Christmas party.

23. No conga lines in the library. This especially applies in conjunction with rule 21.

24. I may not download porn onto my computer using the house network.

25. I may not download porn onto someone else’s computer using the house network.

26. “I’m drunk” is a bad answer to any question posed by Fr Peter.

27. I should not abandon my fellow students when they sleep on floors, and go swanning off to a hotel.

28. Even if Fr Peter did it.

29. During football practice a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.

30. Not even if I’m doing it to Rob.

31. During football practice, I am not allowed to punch loud, obnoxious, lewd, chauvinists in the face. I will inevitably end up dating them anyway.

32. I am not authorized to change Vatican policy on anything.

33. The proper way introduce myself to important people is “Tracey, Cathsoc President” not “You can't prove a thing!”

34. Teaching the Brick lane kiddies to taunt other students is not nice.

35. The revolution is not now.

36. Not allowed to “defect” to Islam during lent.

37. I am not the Empress of anything.

38. Must not taunt people in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.

39. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of house members.

40. Shouldn't use Photoshop to create incriminating photos of house members.

41. I am not allowed to give tattoos.

42. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the Mass-goers who are "hearing conversations" from God, the Devil, NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.

43. The answer is not 42.

44. Get down off the altar.

45. Jehovah’s Witnesses are not ‘our nemesis’ and I need not knock on their doors ‘to get some back.’

46. No ritual sacrifices...

47. ...even if they make a pleasing odour to the Lord...

48. ...even if I do them in the garden.

49. Not allowed to shoot rubber bands when everyone bows their heads for prayer.

50. The Catechism does not include the phrase ‘in a blaze of glory.’

51. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.

52. "Goddamnit" is not, and never will be, a proper opening prayer.

53. Stories of atheists being ‘saved’ are consistent crowd pleasers. Just start from ‘I Was an Atheist until one day…,’ not from ‘I started questioning my faith when…’

54. It is so my fault.

55. Concerning the Cathsoc speakers:
----Representatives of our and other Christian Denominations: Good
----Representatives of Monotheistic Traditions sharing more than a few litany sources with the Christian Faith: Interesting
----Representatives of Satanism, Shinto, that guy with the sword, 'Street Preachers,' anyone ordained over the Internet, anyone that's been on News of The Weird, the 'atheist chaplain' from the hippie commune: Bad.

56. Not allowed to use the Kama Sutra as a reference

57. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

58. It is wrong to wilfully exacerbate Chris and Fr Peter’s ongoing feelings of nameless dread.

59. It is wrong to hang choir members in effigy.

60. …but it beats the alternative.

61. It is wrong to attempt to achieve immortality through monumental stupidity.

62. Just because UCL Union says I can, doesn’t mean I should. Or must. Or have a divine mandate.

63. Revelation 3:2 does not indicate that we should get inebriated at the funeral of a loved one. It says 'keep awake,' not 'Keep A Wake.'

64. Moses wrote the book Numbers; that does not make him the first maths geek.

65. Not allowed to tell Cathsoc members the coffee is to keep them awake.

66. Especially in front of the speaker.

67. Not allowed to excommunicate people

68. No growling at fellow students.

69. Most death threats are prohibited.

70. No painting lamb’s blood on the front door at Passover.

71. Must not kick down any Polish person’s door and annex their room for the Fatherland and the Fuhrer.

72. Not allowed to play Mafia during a vigil.

73. I must not arrange the empty bottles in the bar so that they all break when the environmental person moves the bin.

74. Having a food fight during afternoon tea is not a good idea.

75. Neither is escalating said fight with a bowl of cream.

76. Must not schedule my vigil spot so it doesn’t clash with Match of the Day.

77. Or reschedule Cathsoc so it doesn’t clash with Match of the Day.

78. It is wrong to tell Atheists that we need volunteers for a blood sacrifice when manning the stall during Fresher’s week.

79. No egging two warring factions on indiscriminately.

80. If I buy an eight foot Christmas tree, I must ensure there is a feasible way of getting it home.

81. Walking two miles is not a feasible way of getting it home. Especially with Stephan’s bad back.

82. Not allowed to let Rob start a riot.

83. Once was more than enough.

84. Although I do think I could do a better job and I would like to lead, these questions usually turn out not to be sincere. And if they are, then I get lumbered with a Cathsoc.

85. Chairs are not missile weapons

86. He did not ‘start it.’

87. He is not kidding.

88. He is not on “my side of the chapel.”

89. He really means it this time.

90. I am not allowed to make explosives, even if I do have all the supplies.

91. I am not allowed to render any member of the house to obtain those supplies.

92. In the house, the priests actually are the boss of me.

93. Keeping vodka in a water bottle is a bad idea.

94. In my case, ‘innocent until proven guilty’ is an offence against God.

95. It is wrong to make nuns cry by mentioning their biological clocks, ticking away.

96. It’s wrong to hide porn in other peoples Bibles.

97. Especially when someone else wants to borrow it.

98. It is wrong to shout ‘First come, first served’ when going to receive communion, and it is not going to win me any friends, young lady.

99. Leave the animation of the dead to professionals.

100. No one wants to see me table dance.

101. Or Noelle.

102. Or Julie.

103. Well, maybe Julie.

104. No one wants to discuss my idea of what’s ‘tasteful.’

105. Fr Peter has never decided a student was beyond help and turned tea into a sacrifice to The Dark One. Well, not anymore.

106. I must not try to intimidate the CU.

107. Not even when it works.

108. Religious tracts should not be handed out outside the Muslim prayer room.

109. Heresy is such a harsh word.

110. Turns out, when I’m told ‘you wouldn’t dare’ they’re usually wrong.

111. We did not get first years just in case we need a virgin sacrifice. Stop telling them that.

112. When someone says ‘some of you, and you know who you are’ everyone knows they’re looking at me.

113. When they say "over my dead body" I should assume it's hyperbole until proven to be literal, not the other way around.

114. No longer allowed to perform autopsies on my dinner to figure out what I just ate.

115. Solution: Do not let Rob cook.

116. It is possible to overindulge in sarcasm.

117. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.

118. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.

119. My right to bitch is NOT superior to everyone else’s right to quiet.

120. During Cathsoc, not to sit next to the speaker and laugh derisively every so often.

121. It is wrong to attempt to convey to each and every person in the house that THEY are the one I hate the most.

122. When people accuse me of attempting to ruin their lives, I will not claim that I wasn’t, really, until now.

123. Not allowed to build ‘forts’ in the house.

124. Not allowed to give awards to the best and worst missed Cathsoc excuses of the week.

125. If ‘no one cares’ that I do that, they wouldn’t have made it illegal to do that.

126. The Our Father does not end with "Hail Satan".

127. Leave the noble art of dentistry to the professionals.

128. I am not allowed to quote the office scene in Fight Club.

129. Not even if I really do want to

130. Maniacal laughter is not ‘perfect stress relief’ during exam term.

131. Must give the cattleprod back to its rightful owner.

132. Not allowed to snort Helium before singing in choir.

133. No hymn is improved by belching any part of it.

134. The Pope has not authorized me to enter any and all spaces without let or hindrance as a means of stamping out heresy.

135. I can therefore not use this to get into boys rooms.

136. It is possible to consume too much caffeine.

137. I should not teach other students to say offensive and crude things in Gaelic, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.

138. I am not qualified to diagnose psychological problems, and ‘shallow gene pool’ is not a diagnosis anyway.

139. ...nor is 'too stupid to live.’

140. Iniquity is not best fought by infiltration.

141. Don't tell obscene jokes in front of Bishops.

142. Not allowed to wait ‘til the scary bit in films then jump through the window at the back of the TV room.

143. No one is interested in what material my underwear is made out of.

144. Not allowed to get on Chris’ last nerve.

145. We do not respond to every one of Brid’s commands with "That's what she said."

146. Well, not anymore.

147. The Eucharist is not a plaything.

148. It is not advisable to refer to the chaplain’s room as "The Cthulhu Suite".

149. Football is an outdoor sport.

150. Nor am I allowed to extort "protection fees" from the house members.

151. And Rob is not to be used as an enforcer.

152. And Vito is not to be referred to as "The Don."

153. The house insurance does not cover fire, flood, famine, or acts of Chris.

154. Curiously enough, it DOES cover "Acts of Tracey."

155. Not allowed to flip the fire alarm during Mass with the Bishop.

156. I am not allowed to chase Brian round the dining room with a butcher’s knife.

157. No matter how funny it is.

158. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to 'The Vulgar' in fund raiser themes.

159. Elvis is not in the house, and he had better stop signing in and out.

160. If I receive two contradictory orders, obeying them both is easier than arguing with Brid.

161. Obscene nicknames for people do not improve morale. Even when I have it on good authority that they are accurate obscene nicknames.

162. The proper response to anything a priest says is not 'That's what you think'.

163. I must not answer the office phone by saying, “House of Pain?”

164. When Chris has had it ‘to here’ with me, the exact level of ‘to here’ is not an important part of the discussion.

165. Nor is it a ‘good sign’ that his ‘to here’ seems to be inches lower than Fr Peter’s.

166. There is no ‘feast of the lamp’.

167. People should not be fooled into thinking there is.

168. Or taking their lamps to the chapel to be blessed.

169. The best way to find a lost party member is not to jump on top of a bin, shouting, “Here, Bobbie! Here Bobbie, Bobbie, Bobbie!”

170. As Cathsoc President I may not refer to myself as ‘El Presidente’.

171. No, I cannot keep it as a pet.

172. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul.

173. Brid’s Dungeon cannot be opened from the inside, and it is wrong to tell first years that it can.

174. The Masons and Gray Aliens are not a part of our faith.

175. No longer allowed to answer rhetorical questions, even if there really is an answer.

176. “I was bored” is not an excuse.

177. Neither is “to see what would happen”.

178. Or “you didn’t tell me not to”.

179. No longer allowed to refer to the house as “The Virgin Megastore”.

180. Unholy genetic experiments are no longer to be conducted.

181. Stephan will just have to find somewhere else to set up his equipment.

182. I must not spike the tiramisu with Kahlua for bar lunch.

183. We are not permitted to schism from the Catholic Church.

184. Nor are we allowed to set up our own churches within the house.

185. Neither Ian nor Ryan should be greeted with the term ‘His Holiness’.

186. The phrase “penguin bukkake” shall never be uttered in this building again.

187. I must not mock footballers I deem to have fallen down too easily. They always end up being the horribly injured ones.

188. Addendum: Unless they are Spanish.

189. Not to bait the scary Pius X people.

190. Or Opus Dei.

191. Noelle, Julie & I are no longer allowed to hold drunken parties in the Chapel.

192. No, we do not “do our best praying” then.

193. Knocking someone flat during their first football session in England does not count as “stamping my authority on the player”.

194. Not allowed to fill my blue box with barbed wire in an attempt to discourage thieving.

195. ‘Night of the Twelve Vodkas’ was a mistake, never to be repeated.

196. When I am on the pull, I should never ignore the guy who is sitting on my lap.

197. Chris is exempt from all pranks involving large amounts of water.

198. No matter how funny they may be.

199. No, really. He’s not kidding.

200. On the subject of gossip: just because Darryl told me, doesn’t make it true.

201. No kidnapping the bust of Cardinal Newman.

202. Or holding it to ransom.

203. Or putting a makeshift turban on his head and making wanted posters.

204. I must not play Cradle of Filth in the office when everyone is coming out from Mass.

205. Nor may I wear my interesting T shirts in the office.



Any suggestions?